I have something to tell you, and you might not like it. In fact, scientists believe there is a 78% chance you will find it as vexing as that time I accidentally spilled berry nail polish all over your lovely white slacks. I told you I would buy you a new pair but you insisted Country Road don’t sell them anymore, and got quite huffy about it all, if memory serves.

Anyway. I am going overseas, and will not be returning. Ever. Or for three weeks. Definitely it’s one of the two, I can never remember which! Ha! I’m such a silly.

First I am going to Greece with some girlfriends to celebrate having chucked three books at my publisher in a ‘finished’ kind of form. (The next one is out October, stay tuned for the inevitable and enormous self-promotion circus) then I am going to London to prance about like a git and make people think I am way more fabulous than I really am at the book launch for my first novel, Air Kisses, which happily found itself a UK publisher and will be on sale there from August. (And also on Amazon. Which is terrific with an extended rrrrrr.)

I know how sometimes it calms you down (distracts?) you when I tell you which beauty products I will be taking with me when I go off on these trips, so here are a few of the many, many, manymanymany products I wouldn’t dare leave the Kingy Smith tarmac without:

Clinique Lash Power Mascara - Because it doesn’t budge when I swim or sweat on the dancefloor, and comes off very very easily in the shower with warm water, which means no eye makeup remover is required, and I can wear mascara to the beach/pool. Awesome.

Cosmedicine Healthy Cleanse Foaming Cleanser and Toner in One To Go - Because it takes all makeup off, including long last broad spectrum sun block with ease and will NOT irritate - I literally rub this stuff all over my eyes - and denotes the use for a separate eye makeup remover business. (Are you sensing a theme here? You’re not? It’s LAZINESS.)

Invisible Zinc Tinted Daywear SPF 30 - Tint, dewy glow and full SPF 30+ broad spectrum protection. Holidays are no time for foundation.

Except for at night of course, when my Estee Lauder Nutritious Vita-Mineral Liquid Makeup will be put to use. (Mineral because should I happen to apply my makeup at 7pm and not remove it til 7am (HA! Unlikely! As if anyone would do that on the Greek Islands), I won’t feel bad about having foundation on. Or then sleeping in it.)

Clinique UV-Response Body Spray SPF 30 - Because it’s full broad spectrum protection and even better than that, it’s superfast, lightweight SPRAY. (Please refer to theme… uh, referred to in last reference to a theme.)

Garnier Ambre Solaire After Sun Hydrating Tan Extender - Because it’s lovely and hydrating after any sun I may have accidentally been exposed to, and is a mild gradual tanner, too. Hydration plus colourfication. Bonza.

Benefit Big Beautiful Eyes Palette - Because it has that most terrific concealer, Boing, three all-purpose eye shadow shades, and a couple of brushes. (Add a black kohl and entire eye makeup situation is sorted.)

Kosmea Eighth Natural Wonder™ Revitalising Facial Serum - Because it is positively vomiting with moisture, antioxidants and rosehip oil, which is exactly what you want to slather all over your face and neck before and after any kind of sun exposure.

Batiste Dry Shampoo in new mini size - Because after three swims and absolutely no inclination to shower before heading out to dinner, lovely, tropical-scented dry shampoo is what milk is to muesli: pretty useful.

Biotherm Multi Recharge Eye Cream - Because I may have puffiness or dark circles or be dehydrated and need me eyes to MAN UP and look bright and hydrated again, thank you very much.

There are a WHOLE host more, but these are the first that sprang to mind. What also springs to mind: The fact I am still to locate my passport. Thankfully many years spent as an agent in the secret service means I will always be able to find a spare somewhere.

I will miss you, of course. In my absence I have asked my ol’ beauty chum from Harper’s BAZAAR, Sally Hunwick, to blog daily. She knows her stuff and has great hair. You’ll love her. But not too much please. I don’t want to return to some kind of fetid mutiny.

If you care at all what I’m up to, I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to keep my grimy little grits off my Blackberry, and more specifically, Twitter.

Also, it’s my birthday on July 28, so please re-direct all foliage to Zoe Foster, care of Mykonos. I’m sure they’ll find me.

As they say in Greece, “bye!”