How To: Wear no pants, ala Lady Gaga

• Category:
• Angry Pants

As you would surely be aware, the Pantsless Movement has become increasingly aggressive over the past six months, with platinum members Lady ‘crotchy’ Gaga, Beyonce ‘one-piece’ Knowles and Katy ‘reg grundies’ Perry starting to make the Pussycat Dolls look like a bunch of nuns. But little do most people know that roaming sans pantaloons is not always A) Easy, B) Very warm, C) Comfortable or D) Flattering. I know! And here we all were thinking those one-piece spandex numbers we used to wear to Physical Culture would be a delight and a cinch!

Let us refer here to an image of Lady Gaga in Sydney last week (one week out from winter) taken as she made her way to a radio interview (in the early morning.) (That’s right - no performance, just a cosy radio studio and a cup of tea awaited.)

But judging by de la Ga’s overwhelming popularity, I am sadly resigned to the fact that while pants are undoubtedly a wonderful solution for both warmth and comfort, as well as providing a handy way to cover your genitals and cellulite, she and her starlet cohorts will not be wearing them again for some time. Which usually (and frightfully) means Real Life People might start going pantsless.

Which - sigh - means that we should probably tell you how to do it and make sure your legs and ass will look as SPLENDID as possible.

And so, here it is: How to Go Pantsless. If you can not completely honour all of these steps.... maybe keep your pants on. Just a thought.

1. Have great legs.
2. Have great ass.
3. Have a reason to not wear pants - a concert, film clip or dress up party for example. Do NOT follow Gaga’s example and trot to radio interviews with no pants.
4. Wear those flesh-toned (or slightly more tanned than your flesh) dancers tights. Then wear some flesh fishnets over the top of those. Gaga has, for the record done this in the visual aid above, but I think you will agree in the harsh daylight, it’s still not doing her any favours.
5. If you choose to ditch the tights and go bare legged (I’m nervous), get a spray tan or seriously tan up your legs. This Lancome tanner is just for the legs. Handy. (Leggy?)
6. On top of the tanner, apply instant bronzer. Like this Rimmel one, which I often use on my body even though it’s just for the face. Le Tan also does a great instant bronzer, so too does Bloom. Unless you have the body of an Israeli supermodel, you will need as much tan and shimmer on those upper thighs as possible. Obviously wait a SOLID HOUR to pop your leotard on after this so you don’t put brown marks all over your one piece. (Disaster.)
7. Wear heels. High ones. That don’t cut your legs off at the ankle. You need your legs to look as long and lean as possible. Consider pointy-toe pumps with toe cleavage - the point and the bare foot will make your legs seen longer.
8. Be very, very very careful about your choice of underwear. And always wear a lined leotard. Camels and their toes: No good.
9. Be sure to wear a silly jacket, gloves, sunglasses and wig so people ‘get the joke,’ but then insist you didn’t dress up and wear this stuff everyday.
10. Be violently aware that people will be staring at your ass and crotch from the second you leave the house.
11. Be confident. VERY confident.
12. Do not drop to the dancefloor ghetto filmclip girl style. Nobody needs to see that.
13. Get lots of photos taken so that in a year’s time you can shake your head and clip your best friend over the ear and say, ‘WHY DID YOU LET ME DO THIS? HOW COULD YOU?! I HATE YOU! PASS ME THE CHIPS!’

Pics: The Superficial

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