Gross white lip gunk, we have plans for you

• Category:
• Angry Pants

You know what i’m referring to.

It’s that revolting white build up that occurs on the outer corners of the lips. It can attack at any time, whether you are wearing a lip product or not, male of female, astronaut or landscape gardener. It’s a universal problem. My school teacher used to have a chronic case. I’ve seen TV presenters with it. Even Eva Mendes and Brad Pitt would get it.

It happens to me. As an avid fan of lip gloss, lip liners, lip balm, lipsticks, lip stains, lip tints and lip salves, and as the owner of a set of lips, of course it does. The fact that I occasionally enjoy eating, drinking, opening my mouth and talking also means I’m a good candidate for something that for brevity’s sake, I will label, WS. (White shit.)

But I hate it. I hate it with a passion usually reserved for people who change lanes without indicating, or piercing, repetitive car alarms at 6am on a Sunday morning, or bad breath. It forces me to stop looking at someone as they speak to me. I feel slightly nauseous. Internally, I weakly call for my mother to save me. And when I see that I’ve had it and no one told me? I feel embarrassed.  Ashamed. Dirty. You could almost, almost say it is my kryptonite. (Goodness, I hope my archenemy isn’t reading this.)

So here’s the plan. Here are the rules to stopping WS from occurring, either to yourself, or third parties. (Where is the second party? I always wondered that. Maybe they’re changing the music, or getting some more beers.)

1. You must always check your lips, by running your thumb and forefinger up and down them, and scraping your nails along the high risk area also, if you engage in long conversations, or are without water for a long time. (Lost in the desert? No excuse.) This little safety check especially pertinent if you are wearing gloss or lipstick, as they are chief culprits in WS.

2. You must kindly, politely warn people if you see it has happened to them. A simple gesture, (a pointed finger to the region on your own lips) or a quiet “Uh, you’ve got some build up on your lips...”, should do the trick.

3. You must forward this post to people you know suffer from WS, as a passive aggressive heads up, to let them know you will terminate all dealings with them if they do not sort this out.

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