This toothbrush is pretty much evidence Skynet is in power

Thu, 24 November 2016 10:58AM

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Source: Oral B

I love the Terminator series. *cue Terminator gif*.

via GIPHY

Actually, the one I REALLY love much to everyone’s revulsion is Terminator: Salvation – I honest to god watch it at least once a year. It’s so good guys, like way underrated. There’s this killer hide-and-seek scene with a giant cyborg, Sam Worthington is in it and he’s at peak hotness, multiple shirtless moments, there’s cyborg/human romance which is weird but oddly endearing…anyway. I digress.

What’s the thing people most associate with Terminator, besides Arnie Schwarzenegger and ‘I’ll be back’, and that one bit where the cyborg grows crowbar arms and latches onto the end of the car? SKYNET. The artificial intelligence system that overtakes humanity and controls the world. For non Terminator die-hards, the whole Skynet schtick is that it was created as an AI thing by humans, but then it sort of warped and was like “lol humans bye” and wiped out humanity for the most part. Basically, it was smarter than us and therefore took over the world. And the humans keep sending cyborgs back in time to try and change fate or something, idk I just like watching the chase scenes. Anyway, we’re all terrified of a real-life Skynet – and truly, it could totally happen which is probably WHY we are legitimately afraid, because people keep making these smart tech thingies like Siri and fridges with computers in them. And – this toothbrush.

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Oral B Genius 9000, $369

I was sent the Oral B Genius 9000 (best name) last week. Immediately, I was intrigued. First it has cool spacey rings around the brush head. What do they MEAN? They definitely mean something smart and technological. Second, once I read the packaging, I learn it uses your SMARTPHONE. Haha! What! Why/how?

The premise is this. The Oral B Genius 9000 connects to your phone via Bluetooth. In this way, it kind of “speaks” to your phone, letting it know which section of your mouth it’s been working on, for how long etc – so your phone can detect teeth you have been neglecting. Given I’m the queen of the lazy brush (although no fillings yet – HELL YEAH), this is right up my alley. I don’t know about you but frankly I don’t feel my parents gave me a thorough enough run-through of how exactly I should be brushing my teeth, so I’ve just been jamming that baby up and down my dents at random. Basically, if they feel clean and look clean I’m usually like *makes waving hand motion around mouth area* FINE.

So yeah, I could see the benefit in this technology. But it was still freaky to me. I don’t like when electronics speak to each other – that’s some Skynet shit right there – so I was definitely wary. But willing to give it a try for the good of the people, aka you guys. I took it home and as soon as I opened the box I knew my usual approach to new, fiddly tech – just ignore the instructions and whack it together hoping for the best – was not going to do.

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*stares blankly at pile of things*

That’s a LOT of stuff! So many bits! That long black flat thingie brought on a headache until I worked out it’s actually just a ~swish~ travel case – with a plug so you don’t have to lug all this crap with you overseas. I thought it was going to be some sort of strange auto-battery thing. Once I read the instructions it was actually pretty simple. One plug for the brush, one wall mount for your phone, stick a brush head on the brush and pop the brush handle on the charger. EASY PEASE.

I went with this whitening brush head because all I drink is coffee and red wine so I’m permanently paranoid about the colour of my teeth. Plus – I can’t help it – PINK!

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That little pink circle isn’t just to please my eye. It’s actually a tooth polishing thingy.

I had to download the (free) Oral B app, and then I mounted the phone holder on the mirror. The app then got me to position my face in a small circle. Once I sorted that out, the image of my face went away and turned into a little blue circle with different sections. Cool! Don’t know what you are, little blue circle but OK! Time to start!

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How I generally look when faced with new computery things.

As I brushed sections, the app recognised SOMEHOW that I was on that specific section, and the blue piece that matched that area of my mouth started to graduate into white. Here’s what I mean:

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So imagine that front white section is my front four teeth. And then the others correspond to their similar areas, if you get me. That’s what the blue circle was all about – it’s my MOUTH. Those white sections? That’s where I’d sufficiently brushed my teeth. The blue is where I had either not touched yet or hadn’t done a good enough job of. And the one fading to white was the section I was working on when I awkwardly used my other hand to take this screenshot.

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This was when I thought I had to touch the circle sections to make them go white. I’M GOOD AT TECHNOLOGY GUYS!

When it was all finished, it took me to a tongue brushing section, without the whole timer thing, and then checked in about flossing and using a mouth wash. So it’s very thorough about oral hygiene in general.

I was genuinely taken aback by how clean my teeth felt once I’d finished. They didn’t just feel brushed, they felt POLISHED. Like there wasn’t a scrap of food or (ew) plaque left on those babies. Sorry, I know that’s gross but had to explain how damn good the end result was. I couldn’t stop licking my teeth! They were on par with how they feel when I visit the dentist. You know, that super smooth feel?

It was a bit fiddly I guess. But then again I was doing it for the first time so had to set everything up. I’ve used it since and it felt a lot easier, but yes – you do have to spend more time brushing to get all the circle bits to go white. I’d say though that the extra time spent brushing is worth it for that end result. I mean, clean teeth don’t just feel great and look great. They also mean you’re going to be less likely to deal with fillings and all that crap. So yeah, I for one welcome our new overlords Skynet/Oral B.

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