It’s great you’ve finally waddled yourself to the gym, but I think you are missing the whole point of gyms.

And as someone who spends up to ten hours a day honing their incredibly sculpted physique at the gym, I think I know what I’m talking about!! Haha! But seriously, I actually only spend about four hours at the gym each day. You see Kim, gyms are not for people who want to look good, they are for people who already look good, and want other people in similarly fetching Lycra ensembles to recognize this. These girls, they may have once been like you, but they did their working out outside, where they belong.

However, now that they are tiny and toned and very attractive to men like me who like nothing more than a woman with a body fat percentage below seven, and white bike pants that allow small portions of cellulite-free buttock to show, they are free to roam almost any gym in the world! And feel entirely at ease while they’re at it, knowing everyone in there is admiring their dedication to working out and buying $4.95 protein bars every day and their shimmering, sleek quads.

Just think, Kim, if you keep up the good work, maybe one day I will even check your ass out on the elliptical stepper!